The Stuff of Nightmares
by mirrorballsymphony
Summary: It's Angua's birthday, and the girls are going to get drunk. Blame Sally. Rated T for whatever might happen.
1. Chapter 1

**This was written as part of a competition between a friend and I as to who could get their fanfiction characters drunk the most. So, enjoy.**

Angua turned on the tap and looked miserably at the thin trickle that ran out of the metal tube. Being covered in the Ankh was doing nothing for her mood.

She walked downstairs and into the shower room, thanking all the gods that Mister Vimes had paid to have these installed. Just as the water had got warm, however, she heard a knock on the door.

'Angua?'

Thanking god she still had her clothes on, she pulled the door open. 'Come in.'

Sally walked in, grinning, then stopped. 'Good grief, what happened to you?'

'Blame Nobby.'

'Why?'

'Because he seems to think that werewolves can, amongst other things, fly.'

'Ouch. And so you landed on the Ankh.'

'_In_ the Ankh. I was high up enough to break the crust.'

'Ye gods. I'll leave you to it.'

'Wait, why did you come in to begin with?'

'Oh, it doesn't matter.'

Angua was intrigued. 'What?'

'Fine,' Sally sighed, leaning against the wall. 'What are you doing on Saturday?'

'Nothing much,' she lied. 'Why?'

'Because me and Cheery are going to be taking you out.'

'Why?'

'Because it'll be your birthday.'

Damn. How did they find that out? 'Well, I was going to go out with Carrot. It's sort of a tradition.'

'We've asked him, he's let you go.' Sally smiled again. 'He was a little upset, if that'll console you.'

'Why thank you.'

'You're welcome. We're going to go out and get drunk.'

Angua put her head in her hands. 'I don't want to go out and get drunk.'

'Age has not been kind to you,' Sally commented.

Angua glared at her. 'I'm twenty four.'

'Soon to be twenty five. And I'm nearly seventy, but you don't see me stopping the partying.'

'I never started partying!'

'Well, who's to say you can't start now?'

'Me!'

'Ah, you're no fun. But you're coming anyway.'

'Who says?'

'I do. And you wouldn't want to upset Cheery, would you?'

'I hope not,' Cheery said from behind her.

Angua span round. 'How long have you been there?'

Cheery shrugged. 'I'm small.'

'That's not an answer!'

Sally smirked. 'Don't worry, Angua. Cheery likes guys. Or maybe do worry.'

Angua looked at Sally suspiciously as Cheery blushed behind her. 'What do you mean by that?'

'Oh, nothing, nothing. But you're coming.'

Angua threw her arms up into the air. 'Fine. Fine. I'll go.'

'Glad to hear it. Oh, and, by the way,' Sally stood up, 'you have to tell Mister Vimes.'

'But I'm free on Saturday.'

'Yeah, but we're not.'

'What's he going to say about that?'

Mister Vimes had a lot to say about that.

'Captain!' he shouted down the stairs.

Angua took no notice of him until Cheery nudged her. 'What?' she said, looking up from her report.

'That's you.'

'No it's not. Carrot's the only captain.'

'You are, now. Remember?'

Ah, yes, she was a captain now. Vimes had called her up, smiled (a sight unusual in itself) and given her the new set of stripes, not saying a word. He didn't have to.

Now, though, she was sure she'd make a new record for the least amount of time between promotion and demotion.

'Coming, sir,' she called up. 'Thanks, Cheery.'

Vimes glared at her as she opened the door, and it was the glare of a true knurd. Mentioning drink would not be a good idea.

'If it helps, sir, it's not my idea,' Angua tried.

Vimes ignored her. 'Why is there a piece of paper reading 'Angua needs leave to get hammered' on my desk?'

'Who put that there?'

'Sally, I presume. It's her handwriting.'

There was a tiny voice from behind Vimes that said, 'I recognised it.'

Vimes slammed his hand down on the little box. 'Bloody imps.'

'I'm not in the box, Insert-Name-Here,' the imp said cheerfully. 'You told me to do the filing.'

'So that's where you went,' Vimes muttered. 'How do I make you shut up?'

'You tell me to go onto silent mode.'

'Right. Go onto silent mode.'

'It only works if I'm in the box,' the imp said helpfully. 'It's in the manual.'

Vimes threw a shoe at it, and turned back to Angua. 'So, what's all this about?'

'They want me to go out with them on my birthday.'

Vimes looked at her. 'I didn't think you liked that sort of thing.'

'I don't.'

'Then why are you going?'

'Because I have a societal obligation to go out and get drunk on my twenty fifth birthday.'

Vimes raised his eyebrows. 'I didn't.'

'From what I've heard, sir, going out and getting drunk would have been your normal day.'

Vimes grinned mirthlessly. 'Very funny, captain. But I want to prevent you from falling into the same trap.'

'It's one night!'

'You want to go, don't you? It's nothing to be ashamed of if you want to go and have fun on your birthday.'

Angua twisted her hands uncertainly. 'Well, sort of. I guess I've never gone out and done anything like that before, apart from the last time I went out with Sally and Cheery.'

'You were a mess,' Vimes said cheerfully.

'I do not like Screaming Orgasms,' Angua muttered under her breath.

'That surprises me,' Vimes said, and Angua blushed.

'It's a drink, sir.'

'Yeah, right.'

'It's pink, sir.'

'That's a bit odd, if you don't mind me saying.' Vimes grinned as Angua shot him a glare. 'Alright, I will give you, Sally and Cheery leave to go out and get hammered. Enjoy it.'

'Thank you.'

'Not too many Screaming Orgasms though, please. Remember Carrot.'

Angua glared at him, then left.


	2. Chapter 2

Angua, Sally, Cheery and Tawneee walked down the street towards Biers.

Angua was contemplating the meaning of birthdays. She was also contemplating her own sanity. And the niceness of the word 'contemplating'.

Why had she decided to do this? She had gone out with Sally, Cheery and Tawnee once before, and that had ended up in a severe headache and an awkward conversation with the proprietor of a bar in Dimwell Street who she had stolen a magenta feather boa from.

She rubbed her head, trying to remember the events of the last half an hour. Was it her who had danced on the table? No, that was Sally. Was it her who had stood up on the chair and shouted "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!". No, that was Mister Vimes when he had been in a funny mood. Was it her who had kissed the barman? Probably. It hadn't even been a good kiss, as far as she could remember through the cloud of alcohol.

Oh alcohol, you bitch.

Cheery turned and glared at Sally. 'What was that drink I just had?'

'You wouldn't understand it,' Sally said carefully.

'Tell me,' Cheery said, trying to be scary. It wasn't working - she was currently dressed head to toe in blue sequins, including her axe. The funny thing was that the axe looked more axe-like with the sequins on.

'Um, it was a Slow Screw.'

There was silence for a moment.

'I don't get it,' Tawnee said sadly.

'I bet Angua does,' Sally said, grinning wickedly.

'You're a bad influence, Sally,' Angua told her. She was swaying slightly.

'Just recounting what I've heard,' Sally said cheerfully.

'Sally...'

'Through the walls.'

'Sally!'

'Carrot's not great at whispering, is he?'

'Isn't he?' Cheery asked, suddenly intrigued.

'That is none of your business. And can we please stop talking about my sex life?'

'But that's what this was for!'

'Discussing my sex life? I'm getting worried.'

'Fine, fine.' Sally turned to Tawneee, and Angua thought she knew what was going to happen.

'Sally...'

'How is Nobby, Tawneee?'

Tawneee's face fell. She started to sob, perfect tears falling down her face.

Sally leaned over to Angua. 'What's going on?'

'Nobby broke up with her,' Angua hissed.'

'Oh, gods...'

'He said my cooking was terrible!' Tawnee wailed.

The three women tried to avoid each others eyes. They remembered the fateful incident when Tawneee had tried to bake cakes for the Watch. Three officers had lost teeth.

'Well, you'll-'

'He said I couldn't distress my pudding!'

Cheery spat out a mouthful of drink from the bottle she was sipping. 'What?'

'He said,' snot started to run down Tawnee's chin, 'he said I was too good for him.'

'Angua, did you give him lessons?' Sally asked quietly. Angua pointedly ignored her, trying to forget that conversation with Nobby.

'He said I deserved someone bigger!'

Sally had to turn her back whilst Angua tried to pat Tawneee on the shoulder. She was a little too tall.

'Tawneee, how high are your heels?'

Tawneee sniffed. 'He said I should find someone new.'

'You're more likely to stab them!'

'What?'

For a minute, Angua was jealous of Tawneee. She could walk in heels when drunk; Angua couldn't walk in heels when sober. She had never had much call for them. Men had sort of...done things for her.

She snapped back into focus. Tawneee had stopped crying now that they had arrived at the front door of Biers.

'Tawneee?'

'Yes, Angua?'

Angua reminded herself that however beautiful Tawneee was, she had the intelligence level of a teaspoon. A pewter one, at that.

'Try not to pick up any guys in Biers, please.'

'But you told me-'

'And I was talking from personal experience. Believe me, it doesn't work.'

'Angua?'

'It was a one night stand, it meant nothing,' Angua said hastily.

'When you were seeing Carrot?'

'No, no. Before. Not much before, but before.'

'I wonder what that's like?' Cheery mused.

'Shit. You wake up with a hangover and...' Angua decided to stop talking now that Sally was looking at her in a funny way.

'You know, I never thought of you as someone like that.'

'I was lonely.'

'Did it work?'

'No.' Angua said brusquely. 'It made it worse.'

She pushed open the door to Biers. 'But then I met Carrot, and it was better.'

'You tried to run away from him,' Cheery said accurately.

Angua winced. 'It was only going to hurt him.'

She looked at them all staring at her. 'Come on,' she sighed. 'Someone get me a drink.'


	3. Chapter 3

It had been Tawneee's idea to go to the Pink PussyCat Club. It had not been Angua's. It was pretty much the only thing that she was completely sure of.

Walking into the audience had been...interesting. For a start, it was completely made up of men, and Angua had a feeling that a liking for a pint wouldn't help her fit in here.

Sally had breezed through to the bar woman, ordered four sticky things and found them a table in the far corner of the bar. The first thing Angua did was tip the sticky thing into Cheery's glass whilst Sally tried to not notice.

They had watched the dancers, feeling slightly out of place. It wasn't really catered for their interests...although with Sally you could never really be sure.

Angua stood up shakily. 'I'm just going outside for a minute.'

Sally nodded. Cheery was too busy trying to work out how she had ended up with an even larger glass of pink.

She stumbled out of the back door and leaned against the wall, breathing the cold air in until her head felt a little less fuzzy.

'Hello, captain.'

Angua squinted into the gloom. 'Washpot?'

'That's Sergeant Visit, thank you,' Visit said reproachfully.

'Ye gods, do you stalk us around here?'

Visit looked affronted. 'Of course not. Alcohol is an Offence unto Om.'

'And ogling young women dancing isn't?' Angua said maliciously, noticing how Visit was staring through the door at the stage.

'Corporal von Humpeding is fifty one.'

'What?'

Angua turned and looked at the stage at her corporal pole dancing wearing nothing but two bootlaces and a feather.

She turned Visit's head away. 'You shouldn't be seeing that. That's probably outlawed in most countries.'

'What's Sergeant Cheery doing?'

Angua stared for a moment, unable to find the words. 'That is a very, very good question.'

Both of them closed their eyes as Cheery flung off an iron-heeled shoe and it hit one of the men on the forehead.

'Do you think you have to pay for broken bones?' Visit asked.

'I doubt we can buy a new skull,' Angua replied, watching the man walk unsteadily out of the door.

'Oh dear.'

'Visit, turn away now.'

'Why?'

'Because Sally's lost her bootlaces.'

'Oh.'

As discretely as she could, Angua pushed Sergeant Visit out of sight of the door.

'I'm sorry you had to see that, sergeant.'

Visit shrugged. 'Alcohol is a Vice.'

'Too right it is. Now, do you have any water?'

Visit wordlessly handed over a bottle and Angua took a few huge gulps. It tasted a bit funny, but it was cold and cleared her head.

'And do you have any coffee?'

Visit frowned at her. 'Coffee corrupts the mind.'

'Coffee, Washpot, is a godsend. I'll take that as a no.' She quickly glanced into the Club and back at Visit.

'Do you think it would be considered impolite to walk away from a girls' night out?' she asked.

'Probably.'

'Tough.' Angua started to walk down the street, Visit hurrying after her.

'Captain?'

'I don't like dancing.'

'Yes, I know. What I was going to ask was whether you wanted to borrow my cloak.'

'Why?'

'Well, I can't help but notice that your dress is very short and you're shivering.'

That damn dress. She hadn't got a clue why Sally had felt the need to buy her a new dress, apart from the fact that Angua's belief was reflected in her clothing: if she wasn't going out with the person, they had no right to see her thighs.

'Thank you. Visit, you don't normally patrol that part of the city.'

Visit looked uncomfortable. 'Well, Mister Vimes sort of asked me to stay there to look for you.'

'Why?'

'He figured you wouldn't be able to stomach the drink for that long.'

'Hah. Pink sticky things are the work of the devil.'

Visit considered this statement. 'I don't think so,' he said uncertainly. 'Certainly not in any of Om's teachings.'

'It was a figure of speech, sergeant.'

'Oh.'

* * *

The manager of the Pink PussyCat Club was not happy.

First, the three girls and Tawneee walking into her bar and demanded cocktails, even though one of them looked as if she had been dying for a beer. She had stared longingly at the pint that was being drawn next to her.

Secondly, the dwarf one had hit someone over the head with her shoe, causing irrevocable damage and the loss of several customers scared that they would be next.

And thirdly, the dark haired one, who the manager believed was a vampire but felt it prudent not to comment, had, as she would phrase it kindly, forgotten her clothing. She was proud that her business only accepted people with standards; if the clients wanted anything else the door to Mrs Palm's was always open.

She had vague suspicions that the three women were Watch officers, as well, but heard they were accepting virtually anyone nowadays.

Tawneee walked over to her and sat down on a bar stool. 'Do you know where Angua's gone?'

'Is that the blonde one?'

'Yeah.'

'She went outside about half an hour ago. I haven't seen her since.'

'She probably lost the will to live a little.'

The manager was staring at the stage. 'I think you're spot on there.'

Something was trying to get her attention. Was it the way that Tawneee's eyes seemed more focused, or the way that she was critically appraising people's actions?

'Betty, does alcohol make you more intelligent?'

Tawneee shrugged. 'I don't know. I can't dance as well when I've had a drink though.'

'Best you stay off the stuff.' Whilst Tawneee wasn't going to win any prizes for her intelligence, her dancing might just get her through life.

'I've always taken your advice before.'

'And you just keep taking it, my girl. For a start, can you please find that girl her dress?'


	4. Chapter 4

Angua managed to keep herself upright as she walked through the Watch house, barely tripping over anything. Then she gave up, stumbled into the Watch canteen and saw Mister Vimes sitting there, smiling at her.

'Rough night?' His eyes narrowed. 'What did you do to the other two?'

'Left them at the Pink PussyCat club,' Angua replied, grabbing the kettle.

'What?'

'You heard me.'

'Ye gods.' Vimes came over to her and plonked his mug down on the table. 'What were they doing?'

She poured the water into her mug, watching the coffee granules dissolve. 'I have absolutely no idea. And you know what, I don't even want to know what they're doing now. Although you might get a complaint from Doctor Lawn about a patient who's been kicked in the head by an iron heel.'

'That doesn't sound good.'

Angua gulped down the hot, sweet drink, wincing as it scalded her throat. 'It was not. So I came back.'

'You left them alone?' Vimes said incredulously.

'Yes.'

'I'm sorry, you left a drunk Sally and a drunk Cheery on their own? I thought you were the brains of the operation.'

'I am. That's why I left.'

Vimes grinned. 'Well, you can't say I didn't warn you.'

'It was alright until the PussyCat club. Well, until Sally lost her bootlaces.'

Vimes had been walking away, but Angua saw him freeze and turn around slowly. 'Would you repeat that sentence for me?'

'I don't think you want me to.'

'Ye gods. Poor Visit.'

'Oh, I think the man received a new enlightening in the ways of the female species.'

'Not all the female species, I hope.'

'My clothes stayed on, sir.'

'Glad to here it. You're talking very well for a drunk girl.'

Wordlessly, Angua held up the coffee cup.

'Right. Oh, Carrot's waiting for you upstairs.'

'Thanks.' Angua drained her mug and set it down on the table.

'Angua?'

She turned to look at him.

'Happy birthday. Enjoy it,' he grinned, 'despite the hangover tomorrow.'

'Thanks, sir.'

* * *

Angua trudged upstairs to Carrot's room.

She was dimly aware that Carrot didn't tolerate drinking - he thought it created disorder and mayhem (Angua had to admit he was right) - and that he rarely touched alcohol. For his birthday, only a few weeks before hers, they had stayed in, talked about nothing and fallen asleep together. She had much preferred it to her birthday.

She opened the door and saw Carrot sitting on the bed, a wary look on his face.

'It's alright,' she told him. 'I'm not an aggressive drunk.'

'Colon'll be upset.'

'Why?'

'He bet you'd be aggressive, Vimes bet depressive, Nobby bet...exotic, is it?'

'Yes. Exotic. Right.'

'You don't look drunk.'

'Mister Vimes gave me coffee. It works wonders.'

He smiled and patted the bed beside him. As she sat down, he pulled something out from behind his back.

'Happy birthday.'

It looked...it looked like a stone, if the truth be told. A stone that had had the burnt bits cut off irregularly, and had two candles sticking into the top of it. Carrot nearly burnt his fingers trying to light it, but she smiled at the light.

'Is it alright,' he asked hesitantly.

'It's lovely, Carrot.'

'Only I wasn't sure about the recipe, and I told Colon to take it out but he forgot and-'

'Carrot, it looks delicious.'

'Are you sure?'

'Very.'

Carrot's face broke into a smile. 'I wanted to make it personal.'

Angua looked down at where Carrot had shakily carved '25' into the cake's crust. 'It worked.'

She reminded herself that Carrot didn't know the meaning of sarcasm as he brought out a miniature axe to cut the cake with. It must be carnage at dwarf weddings, she thought.

He handed her a slice, and she bit into it carefully, surprised at how her teeth held up.

'This isn't dwarf cake, is it?'

'No. Human cake. I thought you'd prefer it.'

'It's really nice,' Angua said, surprised.

Carrot bit into his slice and looked up at the ceiling, weighing it up. 'It could have a little more lemon in.'

Angua stared at him. 'Yes...yes it could.'

'But I'm happy with it.'

'You should be.'

Carrot leaned back and closed his eyes. 'How was your birthday?'

'Not great, if you must know. I mean, it was alright for a while, but I just got bored. All the drinks tasted the same.'

'How do you mean?'

'Well, you know those really sticky cocktails.' Carrot frowned. 'There are very sticky drinks in this world, all of which are a disquieting shade of pink and they all taste the same. Trust me, I've had them all.'

They heard Cheery and Sally coming up the stairs loudly.

Angua pulled the cover over her and Carrot. 'We're asleep,' she hissed.

Carrot closed his eyes obediently as Angua extinguished the candle. From under the covers they heard the door quietly open.

'They're asleep,' Cheery whispered.

Sally scoffed. 'She's such a - hic - lightweight.'

Carrot put a hand over Angua's mouth to stop her laughing.

'I'll get her in the morning,' Sally said. The threat was diminished by the sound of her tripping down the stairs.

After a while, Angua poked her head out of the bed. 'I think they're gone,' she whispered.

'Hi, Angua.'

Angua jumped, and glared at Cheery. 'You need to stop that.'

Carrot emerged from the covers and Cheery looked away. 'I'll leave you two to it.'

Angua burst out laughing again, but Cheery had gone. Sighing, she walked over and shut the door.

'I like your dress,' Carrot said.

Angua looked down at it. 'Really? I hate it.'

'It's a nice colour. Suits you.'

'Right. Thank you.'

She climbed back in to bed and Carrot put an arm around her. 'Happy birthday.'

After a while, she fell asleep on his shoulder.


End file.
